Defining Wellness

Yesterday, November 24, 2009, Carter and I were married for one-and-a-half years. What a beautiful coincidence that our anniversary-and-a-half falls so close to Thanksgiving. I am so incredibly thankful for my husband, his unconditional love and the happiness I’m overcome with each and every day because of him. I am a generally happy person, and when I’m with Carter, that happiness just bubbles over. Everything is more fun with him — the world is brighter and my smiles are bigger when I am with him. He is the most selfless person I know. He has known me ever since I first had my eating disorder, and he walked by my side each and every day, never judging, always hoping, and always believing in me. I am so happy, more happy than I ever thought was possible for me, and I frequently stop and thank God for allowing me to feel more joy than seems possible to deserve.

[Credit: Laura Keen Photography 2009]

This Thanksgiving is an extremely special and important one to me. On November 18, I celebrated 6 months of being recovered from my eating disorder. While it’s impossible to pinpoint an exact date when I was recovered, and while I believe recovery is an ongoing process, May 18 was the day that we left for our Disney vacation to celebrate our one-year anniversary on May 24, and May 18 was when things were really starting to click in my recovery journey. So . . . almost 6 months after my “recovery date,” I am celebrating my first eating-disorder free Thanksgiving in 15 years. Wow, typing that just filled me with emotion and I started crying. Wow. I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. Tomorrow means more to me than even I realized. I am just overwhelmed that I’m finally going to be able to enjoy this holiday.

Thanksgiving has been my least favorite holiday for the entire 15 years I had my eating disorder. It was wrought with pain and confusion. I wanted to enjoy being with family and friends, but I was so worried about everything that I was putting to my lips. Each Thanksgiving, I was either in “anorexic mode” or “binge mode.” I was either “good” because I was capable of restriction and self-control or I was “bad” because I decided to binge and eat “forbidden foods” until my stomach felt like it was going to burst. I always liked the foods that were served, but I never seemed to be able to do anything in moderation, and so the whole holiday terrified me to a degree.

[Photo Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/]

I can’t even imagine this holiday without fear. Tomorrow is going to be like the first time I went to Disney World — the colors, the smells, the EMOTIONS, will be joyously overwhelming, I’m sure. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful, first and foremost . . . thankful to God if you believe, thankful for family, friends, love and health, thankful to be blessed with the gift of life. And you know what? It’s also a day to enjoy yummy foods — simple as that! There is no reason to be ashamed to enjoy special foods, recipes and traditions with the ones you love. We are lucky to have the opportunity to gather together with family and friends and enjoy good food and good health. In the past, I only focused on the gluttony of the occasion — I felt like Thanksgiving was a gluttonous day, I was a gluttonous person, and that if I wasn’t restricting, I should be ashamed of myself.

What a shame to have to feel that way for so many years! My outlook has changed so much over the past 6 months. I believe in eating lots of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins such as fish, beans, dairy, eggs and soy, and healthy fats. I also believe that EVERYTHING can be enjoyed in moderation, and that treats, sweets and less nutritious foods can and should be enjoyed for our psychological well-being and sanity! We’re human!

So how do I approach eating on Thanksgiving Day? Like any other day, with some special-occasion indulgence liberties thrown in. I allow myself to eat a “treat” or two every single day — it might be ice cream (and usually is, paired with a Vita Muffin), a cookie or two, pretzel bites at the movie theater, cake, a less nutritious side dish (such as fries or a rich casserole) or whatever it is that tickles my taste buds that day. Some days when I’m extra hungry, I treat myself more than usual, and some days when I’m not in the mood for “fun food” (which isn’t very often), I skip it. The bottom line is — there are no rules — I just eat mostly healthy foods and enjoy some “fun food” every day. I pay careful attention to my hunger and fullness cues — because as long as I’m not eating junk food all day long — I feel full on approximately the same amount of food most days. It’s amazing: If you listen to your body (which takes some practice, especially if you’ve had an eating disorder), you can maintain your weight (plus or minus a few pounds) more effectively than by counting calories!

As you may know from reading some of my other posts, I used to count every little calorie, including packets of Splenda, spices, diet cokes . . . it was awful . . . like being attached to heavy chains every day. Yes, I maintained my weight, but the rules and the restriction led to feelings of deprivation and uncontrollable binges, and I could gain 10 pounds in a week. Even though most of this weight wasn’t actual weight gain, it was extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing . . . and over time, I did gain weight. When I would lose weight, I’d lose it very quickly. Therefore, my weight fluctuated by about 10 pounds, up or down, from week to week. I shudder to think of the damage I was doing to my body, as if the damage to my psyche weren’t enough.

I don’t count calories anymore — I listen to my body, I enjoy healthful and nutritious foods, and I enjoy fulfilling my cravings and indulging my sweet tooth. It’s like being a kid again and eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I’m full — only it’s better, because now I have the capability to make more nutritious and varied choices! How many kids enjoy trying collard greens or quinoa?

Tomorrow is a day like any other, with some extra-special foods on the menu. As usual, I will eat when I am hungry and stop when I’m full. I will not skip meals or eat less during the day to compensate for what I might eat at dinner. I’ll try everything that looks good to me and I’ll skip what doesn’t look as appealing. I’ll make sure to eat plenty of veggies. While I won’t pile on the heartier casseroles, I’m not going to just eat a forkful, either. If something’s especially delicious, I’ll have a second helping or I’ll bring some home for another day. I’ll eat slowly and savor every bite. And when it comes to dessert, I’m going to indulge more than usual. I really enjoy apple pie and I LOVE pumpkin pie, so I’ll probably have a slice of each with some real whipped cream. I’ll relish every single bite without giving a thought to the calories. I’ll be way too busy enjoying time with my family and friends for that!

[Photo Source: http://www.foodnetwork.com/in-season-now/index.html]

For those of you who are still struggling with an eating disorder this Thanksgiving, my heart goes out to you. I hope that this time next year you will be free of your chains. And in the meantime, why not give moderation a shot tomorrow? Consider it an experiment and try to listen to your body’s signals.

Thanksgiving is one day. You won’t gain weight based on one day. I find that some days I eat a little more, some days I eat a little less, and as long as I’m eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I’m satisfied on most days, my body does the rest! Our bodies are amazing machines that are quite capable of adjusting to slight changes in food intake. I’ve had days when I’ve eaten quite a bit more than usual (perhaps 1,000 or 2,000 calories more), and I don’t do anything to “make up for it” AND I maintain my weight. It takes day after day of eating more than your body needs to add up to weight gain . . . and weight gain does not happen overnight (if it does, it’s your body’s normal fluctuations).

Most importantly, Thanksgiving is a day to appreciate all the blessings in our lives. Cherish the day and take time to appreciate the friends, family and pets you love. They matter infinitely more than the calories you consume or the number on the scale. Do you think people who truly love you give a rat’s hiney about what you weigh or how much you eat? Not a chance! (Unless, of course, they have their own struggles to work through.)

This Thankgiving, I am thankful for my husband, family, friends and pets, and for their health and well-being, for my life, health, physical fitness and emotional well-being, for my home, for nature and the beauty of the outdoors, for nutritious food, for all the little unnecessary extras that I’m lucky enough to enjoy, for kind and good people like yourselves, and for the God that bestows these gifts upon me.

No matter what difficulties you may be facing in your life, I hope that this Thanksgiving overwhelms you with love, peace, joy and an appreciation for all of life’s gifts.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

And a parting recipe . . . I adapted recipes from Kath, eat me, delicious and Live Well 360 to fit my own tastebuds!

Carrot Cake Oatmeal

1. Cook 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1 cup water and 1/2 cup shredded carrots and a sprinkling of salt over medium heat until creamy (5-10 minutes). Stir every few minutes.
2. While oatmeal is cooking, stir together 1/4 cup Fage 0% yogurt, 2 T fat free cream cheese, 2 tsp sugar-free maple syrup, and 1 packet Splenda in bowl.
3. Toast 2 T pecans in the microwave for 90 seconds and chop into small pieces.
4. When the oatmeal is almost done, turn the heat down to a simmer and stir in 2 T raisins, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 1 tsp brown sugar and 1 Splenda packet. Mix well.
5. Pour the oatmeal in a bowl, top with the yogurt-cream cheese mixture, and sprinkle with pecans.

Wow! It really tastes like carrot cake! Delicious!

Filed under: Body Image & Self-Image, Eating Disorder Recovery, Nutrition and Healthy Eating | Tagged: binge, diet, eating disorder, holiday eating, thankful, Thanksgiving