Aloha!

Posted on August 25, 2010 by Tammy

What a cra-zy week . . . in a good way.

We celebrated Carter’s 28th birthday. I gave him XM radio for his iPhone. He was completely surprised and thrilled. Aren’t those the best kinds of gifts?

Topped off the celebration with a Hawaiian-themed birthday cake . . . and artwork . . . a prelude to our vacation!

And after the wonderful birthday celebration, we received the news that my brother and his family were moving. We knew they’d eventually be relocating, but we didn’t know it would happen so soon. They moved to Wrightsville Beach on Monday!

I’m happy for them, but I will miss them so much. I’m going to miss playtimes with Ham and Egg.

Ham . . .

Egg . . .

Ham and Egg . . .

I know they are going to love Wrightsville Beach and grow up to be little surfer dudes.

It’s been an exciting week, and it’s only just begun. We’re going to Kauai in the morning! Actually, we’re leaving in two-and-a-half hours, which means I should be in bed, not writing a blog post.

[The Big Island, June 2008]

See you in September with tales of Hawaiian Aloha and adventures!

Filed under: Travel | Tagged: , , | 5 Comments »

My Husband In The Limelight

Posted on August 18, 2010 by Tammy

Today is my husband’s birthday, and I dedicate the blog to him.

I don’t know why I deserve to be loved by the most loving, selfless, intelligent, handsome man I’ve ever known. I don’t know why he pursued me through middle school, high school and college, despite my best attempts to push him away. The more I messed up, the more he loved me, like he knew there was something in me worth fighting for, something in me that had yet to bloom.

When I wouldn’t be his girlfriend, he settled for friendship. When I was at the lowest points in my life, he continued to see the light that shined from within me and waited for the clouds to pass.

On our wedding video, everyone who was interviewed said, “He knows her better than she knows herself.” And that pretty much sums it up. No matter how far away from myself I’ve wandered, he’s remembered the kind me, the intensely passionate me, the loving and giving me, the intelligent me, the me who respects herself.

So on his birthday, it hardly seems fair that I’m the one who, yet again, gets to receive a gift: his love.

I’ve never really had to remind Carter of who he is — he is gentle, friendly and selfless, intelligent and interesting, funny and easy-going — everyone who meets him and everyone who knows him loves to be in his company. When someone is upset, stressed, or conflicted, just being around Carter can restore the feeling that everything’s going to be ok. I’ve enjoyed his comforting reassurance more times than I can possibly recall.

It is because Carter never stopped loving me . . . not even for a second . . . that I am here today. He taught me the most important lesson of all — that I am worth loving even in my most unforgivable, most hopeless moments. His steadfast love made recovering from an eating disorder a possibility. Everyone should be blessed with a Carter.

This blog is all about journeys and adventure and love. It is about loving yourself and loving others. So my message to my readers today is this: Keep your eyes open to the possibility of love all around you. The very person you’re pushing away could be a blessing in your life if you just let him or her in . . . and that person doesn’t have to be a significant other . . . that person could be a friend, a relative, a teacher. Sometimes the people who push us, who challenge us, who make us want to turn and run, are the very people who help us to live if we let them in.

Thank you, Carter, for your persistence, your love, and the joy you bring to my life. I hope your 28th year is your best one yet.

And also in honor of Carter, here’s an awesome recipe . . .

Carter’s first birthday gift was the sweet scent of baking muffins. One of his favorite flavors is key lime, so I searched for a key lime breakfast recipe and found this treat: Key Lime Muffins

I followed the recipe as written, except I used whole wheat pastry flour in place of the all-purpose flour, and I used canola oil instead of generic vegetable oil. WOW. Put the ingredients on your shopping list and get baking. Trust me . . .

Key Lime Birthday Muffins

Ingredients:

2 cups whole wheat pastry flour
1 cup sugar
1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 cup skim milk
2 large eggs, beaten lightly
1/4 cup canola oil
1 tsp grated lime rind
1/3 cup key lime juice (I used Nellie & Joe’s Key West Lime Juice, which I found in the sparkling water/mixers section at Wegman’s)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
2. Combine the first four ingredients in a large mixing bowl and stir well. Make a well in the center of this mixture.
3. In a separate mixing bowl, combine the beaten eggs, milk, oil, lime rind and key lime juice and stir well (I used a whisk).
4. Pour the liquid ingredients into the well of the dry ingredients, and stir together until just moistened.
5. Spoon the batter into muffin cups lined with cupcake papers (or you can lightly grease the cups with butter instead). Fill the muffin cups 3/4 full.
6. Bake in the preheated oven for about 18 minutes, or until the muffins are beginning to turn a light brown on top.

Enjoy!

Look what I did with mine . . .

Strawberry Key Lime Muffin Yogurt Bowl

Combine Chobani plain yogurt with 1 Splenda. Top with a crumbled muffin and warm strawberry sauce. To make the strawberry sauce, combine a handful of chopped strawberries, 1 tsp light Promise spread, and 1 packet Splenda in a saucepan and cook over low heat until syrupy. You are in for a treat.

Filed under: Real Life, Recipes | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »

Why Losing Is Not Winning

Posted on August 15, 2010 by Tammy

I deeply appreciate each and every comment you leave. Writing these posts is very embarrassing at times, and I often debate with myself about whether or not I really want the whole world to know about my struggles (which are nothing compared to what so many people are going through).

When I’m debating with myself, though, I think about how we all use unhealthy coping mechanisms at times . . . denial, overeating, spending money we don’t have, drinking too much . . . I figure, why not post the embarrassing stuff if it has the potential to help someone else out in the process. And it’s cathartic for me. I learn by reflecting on the mistakes I make.

Lately, my reflections have been about binge eating that is triggered by underlying anxiety. It’s interesting that throughout the course of my 15-year eating disorder, it WASN’T the binges that concerned most people. It was the weight loss, the restriction and the rigid plans I created for myself. Why? Because that’s what people could SEE.

[Image Source: http://ghostsofachance.com]

With eating disorders, it’s not necessarily the visible symptoms or outcomes that are the most problematic ones. Bingeing was the scariest, most debilitating part of my eating disorder. That’s not to say that the other symptoms of restricting and losing weight weren’t problematic, because they were. It’s just that they were less traumatic for me.

I feel my BEST, obviously, when I’m not symptomatic at all. As I’ve been sharing on my blog, though, symptoms do come up at times.

There are still times when I catch myself thinking restrictive thoughts . . . Hmmm, it would be so easy to lose weight again . . . If I make a diet plan again, maybe I won’t binge anymore . . . If I were just a little thinner, I’d feel less anxious.

Luckily, I find that this is a symptom I can defeat as easily as a sumo wrestler flattens a pipsqueak . . . my mind being the sumo wrestler, the thought being the pipsqueak.

[Photo Source: http://www.guzer.com]

Sometimes I start thinking about how I could eat less ice cream, how I could be a little stricter with myself . . . but I quickly realize that this is a slippery slope. Anytime I begin to think about taking things away or losing weight, I know that for me, I’m trespassing on dangerous territory. Would losing 5 or 10 pounds be unhealthy for me? No, it wouldn’t. But would it be necessary? No, and in fact, it could lead to another 5 pounds . . . and another . . . and another . . . until I’m right back to feeling deprived and food-obsessed and bingeing more than ever. Not to mention risking my health and psychological well-being.

I’ve embraced the fact that I’d rather maintain a healthy, average weight than to mess around with an eating disorder. Moreover, I LOVE that my mind is free of numbers and obsessions and shoulds and shoundn’ts. I LOVE that I can focus my energy on the things that matter rather than focusing on a goal weight or a diet plan.

When I do find my mind drifting to unhealthy thoughts like dieting, I force myself to think about how I could better focus my time and energy. For me, my pets are a very powerful motivator. I can sit around and think about myself all day, or I can focus on making the world a happier place for my pets, who otherwise would have to sit around and look out windows all day long. Nothing like big, brown doggy eyes looking up at me to get me out of my head and onto a trail with Kai.

My weight DOES fluctuate, but not like it used to. Whereas my weight used to fluctuate by about 30 lbs during the course of a year, now it fluctuates by about 5-10 lbs during the course of a year. Sometimes I’m up a little, sometimes I’m down a little, and if I just keep my stubborn feet off the scale, I usually don’t know the difference. More importantly, a lower weight DOES NOT equal a happier me and higher weight DOES NOT equal a sadder me. A BALANCED me equals a CONTENT me.

Another powerful way to keep my mind off my weight and the temptation to “lose a few” is to get active. I absolutely love taking walks with Kai, exploring new trails, exploring new places on my bike, and running on the treadmill. I try to mix it up between all of these activities, because some days I’m in the mood to pound out a good run in the gym, and other days I crave the outdoors.

When I think about how blessed I am to be able to run as fast and as far as I do . . . or how much fun it is to explore nature with my dog by my side, I just don’t give a flying duck about my weight. If I truly weren’t healthy, then why is my body telling me, “Come on, let’s walk, let’s run, let’s PLAY!” I’m obviously doing something right, because 10 pounds up or 10 pounds down, moving feels GOOD. So, I apologize to all the magazines that are trying to make me $4 poorer, but you can’t sell me your latest diet plan because I’ve got better things to do with my time and energy!

[Image Source: http://www.cathyalter.com]

What it comes down to for me is this: No matter how important the size of my jeans may seem in the moment, no matter how effective dieting may be at temporarily managing my anxiety, no matter how “in control” losing weight makes me feel, NONE of it is as important as the size of my heart, taking care of my psychological well-being, enjoying the freedom of losing control and living in the moment, and focusing my energy outwards on others.

By giving up dieting, calorie-counting, rigidity, and the attempt of “perfection,” I am not accepting defeat. I am not being weak. I do not lack self-control. No, I am choosing to appreciate my body exactly the way it is. I am accepting that my mind has better things to do than focus on weight and food. I am embracing all the pleasures of life, not shrinking away from them.

Even though my symptoms try to get the best of me sometimes, in the end, I win. Because in the end, having an eating disorder is simply not an option. And I will never stop trying until the day that I am completely symptom-free.

Filed under: Eating Disorder Recovery | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Me Versus Myself

Posted on August 12, 2010 by Tammy

I had to use my plan a little sooner than expected, but hey, that’s what it’s there for.

Ever since I was a wee girl, I’ve had anxiety over the littlest things or nothing at all. There was even an incident in elementary school when I cried all morning before school because I was worried I’d be the only one in my class to order a cheeseburger, not a hamburger (those were the days before I was a pesce-vegetarian). I don’t know where this anxiety comes from, and I want to scold myself for feeling it when there are so many bigger problems in the world I could be worrying about. But I may as well scold myself for being 5’3″ and having hazel eyes while I’m at it, because that’s just me.

[Photo Source: http://www.lockstockphotography.com]

Yesterday, in a strange bout of anxiety whose source I couldn’t pinpoint, I felt a binge coming on. Got dressed in the morning, and my shorts felt a little tight. Felt really hot and sluggish and tired. Had my usual daily bowl of vanilla ice cream. Didn’t feel satisfied. Craved chocolate. Had a hot chocolate. Still felt something — hunger? Had a snack-sized bag of popcorn. Still craving that chocolate. Had another bowl of ice cream — chocolate this time.

But right before I had that second bowl of ice cream, I pulled myself out of the fog that I felt overcoming me and I decided to take control.

I said, “Ok, I’m a little hungrier than usual today. Or maybe I’m just lonely. So, ok, I’ll have a bowl of chocolate ice cream and stopping eating around my craving with hot chocolate and popcorn.” And that’s what I did. And I enjoyed every bite.

[Photo Source: http://www.ishotthechef.com]

Then, I walked away from the kitchen. I walked away from the whole downstairs area. In my sluggishness, sleepiness and loneliness, it took every ounce of my energy. But I thought of my plan, and I walked upstairs. I did some laundry. I thought about what could possibly be bothering me other than the petty fact that my shorts felt a little tight and I felt tired and lonely.

It wasn’t fun thinking about what was bothering me — but it was more fun that sitting downstairs attempting to numb myself with crunch and creaminess and saltiness and sweetness.

And then it came to me. There were actually TWO things bothering me. Both had been passing thoughts that hadn’t even registered when I thought them.

First: my mom said something THE DAY BEFORE that upset me. The comment she made may not have even been directed at me, but in my mind, it was. And it lodged itself somewhere in my subconscious where it grew and grew until I felt anxious about it . . . but not until the next day when I didn’t even know what was gnawing at me.

Second: I had another passing thought earlier in the day. The thought only lasted about 10 seconds, but again, it lodged itself somewhere in my brain where it bothered me. I’m going to be starting my new job at a nursery school in a few weeks. I briefly wondered how I was going to adjust my schedule from going to bed late and sleeping in to going to bed early and waking up with the sun. I wondered if the change would affect my eating habits and if that would be a challenge for me. The thought came and went and barely made a blip on my mental radar.

So, there you have it. Was it the tight shorts that were bothering me? The sluggishness? The loneliness? No, ma’am. It was two other subconscious thoughts that were tapping at my brain with their pesky little fingers. And all it took to retrieve the pests from my subconscious was stepping away from the kitchen and doing something mindless. What do you know?

[Image Source: http://www.hypnotherapy.co.nz]

So, I sat down and followed the steps of my plan. And it worked. Carter came home and we talked about what was bothering me and came up with solutions.

And today I woke up and was fine — still a little anxious, but fine. I went to the gym, ran out the rest of my anxiety, and now the anxiety is gone and it’s a great day, despite the clouds and the rain outside.

Best of all, I pulled myself out of the middle of a binge yesterday. I brought my subconscious thoughts to a conscious level.

And though at first glance, my triumph seemed to me like a trivial accomplishment, I remind myself that I dealt with my anxiety in a NEW way after 15 years of dealing with it in unhealthy ways. What may seem like a hill to some is a mountain to me. And all I can focus on is setting my own goals and measuring my own personal progress.

[Image Source: http://zero2heroblogger.com]

Maybe that’s why I run on treadmills and not in road races. If I’m doing my best and working through my own physical and mental barriers, then I’m progressing.

Heck, there’s no better opponent OR teammate than myself.

Filed under: Eating Disorder Recovery | Tagged: , | 5 Comments »

Reboot

Posted on August 9, 2010 by Tammy

I’m proud to say I’m an optimist. Even when I’m feeling stressed, anxious or upset, and even when I’ve felt so low that I couldn’t summon the strength to get out of bed, there’s always been that voice inside of me that says, “It WILL get better. There IS hope.”

And I don’t just feel that hope for myself. I feel that hope for anyone who needs it. I believe that we all have the power to be thankful for what we have even in the midst of sadness, to take the necessary steps to make life better.

But even with this optimistic attitude, there are times when I get in a funk. I wake up and feel anxious and think, “Huh, where’d that come from?” Or I get in some kind of existential rut and I obsess about my place in the world. Or eating disorder symptoms re-emerge and I think, “You again? I thought I folded you up, packed you in a box, and buried you in a bottomless pit.”

It’s at times like these that I use that optimistic energy within me to reboot.

In a recent post, I discussed my desire to plan less . . . do more . . . NOW.

When I get in a funk, that’s half of the solution. Stop thinking about everything that’s going wrong and start living. A few weeks ago, some eating disorder symptoms knocked on my door. I begrudgingly let them come in and stay for a few days, but then I told them to take a hike. I started doing the things that I’ve been wanting to do.

I started writing my book.

I started exploring religion by asking lots of questions of my Pastor and family members, discussing my thoughts and concerns with my husband, and reading. I’ve even tried my hand at praying a few times. My cousin, Jason, gave me Web sites to check out, videos to watch, and the Book of John to read. I even booked a reservation at Kauai’s Hindu Monastery so Carter and I can check it our during our vacation in a few weeks.

I’ve been practicing my photography. I’ve been exploring new trails with Kai.

I’ve been LIVING. I’ve learned that the best medicine for sadness, anxiety, existential crises, and most other mental ailments is to get out and live your life. Do the things that make you happy.

There have been visits with friends and their babies . . .

Me and Carter with our friends’ beautiful baby:

Someone needs his diaper changed. Can you guess who?

There have been dinners with family . . .

Carter and I with our nephews, Zane and Julian:

My brother, his fiance, and the kiddos:

My dad, my step-mom, and the guests of honor:

There have been trips to the zoo . . .

There has been lots of smiles and giggles . . .

Julian and his spikey hair:

Egg Man!

There have family picnics, complete with pony rides . . .

With all that activity and joy, it’s difficult to stay in a funk for long.

But the other half of the equation when your life needs a reboot — whether you’re trying to overcome anxiety, cheer yourself up, prevent an addictive relapse, or whatever the case may be — is having a plan in place to set yourself up for success in the future.

This has been the missing piece for me ever since I stopped seeing my registered dietitian. When I had her around, I knew that if I relapsed I’d have to tell her about it. I WANTED to be a success story, so I never relapsed during the months I worked with her. I always told myself that if I relapsed, I could just go see her again. But I don’t want to have to rely on her for the rest of my life . . . my wallet agrees with me.

However, I never put a plan of action in place in case I did experience symptoms. Last week, I decided to create that plan. I created the plan while I was free of symptoms so that I could think clearly. Though I’ve suffered with symptoms of anorexia and binge eating in the past, my most common lingering symptom is binge eating, so that’s what this plan addresses.

For those of you unfamiliar with binge eating, here’s a brief explanation. When a binge comes on, it’s like a flip is switched and nothing you say to reason with yourself makes much sense. It’s like you’re in a fog and you can’t get out of it. Even a list of substitute activities doesn’t always do much good, though it can be helpful.

So here’s the plan I came up with. Feel free to use it or borrow it to meet your own needs:

————————————————————————————————————————

A. Read steps one and two aloud.

  1. When I binge, there’s usually something upsetting me. Many times, I’m not consciously aware of what’s upsetting me. Bingeing will not make the discomfort go away. Do something else, and talk about the problem once I’ve figured out what it is (it might be days later).
  2. Sometimes, bingeing is an attempt to avoid thinking about what’s bothering me. Either talk about the feeling, sit with the feeling without reacting to it, or if I really don’t want to think about it, do something to distract myself.

B. If I know what’s bothering me, read steps 1 and/or 2 aloud.

  1. ______ (Name something specific) is bothering me right now. I’m not ready to deal with it right now, but I will be able to deal with it within a few days. For now, I’ll put it aside and do something else.
  2. Something existential (like the meaning of life, my place in the world, etc.) is bothering me right now. I’m not ready to deal with it right now, but I will be able to deal with it eventually. For now, I’ll put it aside and do something else. Within a few days, I’ll feel differently about it or be ready to talk about it.

C. Substitute Activities: Now that I’m aware that I am triggered and that binge eating won’t help me, use any of the following activities instead. Use whatever feels right for the particular situation.

  1. Brush my teeth, wash my face or take a shower, and get in my pajamas.
  2. Get in bed.
  3. Play a video game.
  4. Read a book.
  5. Write my blog.
  6. Color.
  7. Ask Carter for a massage (he suggested this one — how awesome is that?).
  8. Play cards or a game.
  9. Sit outside and enjoy the sunshine.
  10. Go somewhere: to a bookstore, to the movies, etc.
  11. Just drive with the windows open. Leave cash and credit cards at home, but bring license.
  12. Take a bath, light candles, and listen to the radio.
  13. Do a puzzle.
  14. Paint my nails.
  15. Play with Kai and Roxy.
  16. Write a letter to someone.

————————————————————————————————————————

You know what the best part about this plan is? Ever since I’ve had it, my symptoms feel far, far away. It’s like this plan is the crutch I needed. This plan is the equivalent of the dietitian I’d have to face if my symptoms re-emerge.

Just knowing I have a plan makes me feel empowered.

Just knowing I have a plan allows my head to take a rest while I enjoy life.

Filed under: Eating Disorder Recovery, Real Life | Tagged: , | 14 Comments »

Predictions

Posted on July 29, 2010 by Tammy

Yesterday I had to get blood drawn for a basic work-up. No big deal, unless you have a phobic-like reaction to needles . . . which I do.

[Photo Source: http://www.completelifecoach.com]

I’ve been putting off having my blood tested for YEARS out of pure fear. But I knew that it was important to my health to get checked; a simple doctor’s appointment just won’t do once you’re a 28-year-old fart like myself.

And . . . don’t get all excited now . . . but eventually Carter and I would love to start a family with God’s blessings, and I want to make sure I’m in good health before that day comes.

[Photo Source: http://www.images-photography-pictures.net]

So, my mom made the trip with me to the doctor’s office yesterday. She rubbed my back while I tried my hardest not to think about the needle-shaped elephant in the room. Another nurse held my hand and soothed me like I was her own child. I loved that woman. She was a very grandmotherly presence.

I took the advice of Elizabeth Gilbert in “Eat, Pray, Love” and tried to just notice the sensation of the needle in the arm without reacting to it, while telling myself that “this too shall pass.” And it worked! “This isn’t so bad,” I said like a proud 5-year-old.

And then it was over. The grandmotherly nurse patted my tense hand and said, “You did it. You’re all done.”

But then the dreaded feeling came. My ears started ringing and I knew it was coming.

“I don’t feel so good,” I announced to the room. And that’s the last thing I remember before I was trying to wake myself up.

I was dreaming about something and I felt like I was underwater. I felt so confused, and I was trying to get myself out of the dream. How did I get here? This isn’t right. Why can’t I wake up? Then I heard someone saying, “Stay with me,” as I struggled to open my eyes. Another woman stood in front of me and I was very confused. And then I saw the bright lights of the doctor’s office and I started to remember where I was.

“Do you know your name?” the new woman asked.

“Tammy,” I said, realizing with disappointment that, yet again, I passed out because of a little needle.

Next thing I knew, I was being tucked under a warm examining blanket and being fed pretzels and coke. Evidently, my blood pressure had plummeted.

“Is that a psychological response?” my mom asked one of the nurses. I was very thankful when the nurse said it was actually a physiological response and my dignity could stick around for awhile.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I can deal with the slight discomfort of a needle, but I’ll probably always be a fainter. I hate fainting, and I hate the nauseous feeling when I wake up even more.

But you know what makes it all worth it? Grandmotherly nurses. Especially when they say this as you’re walking out the door: “You’re going to have a girl someday.”

I perked up, as this is not the first time someone has made this prediction. “What makes you say that?” I asked.

“I have a sixth sense,” she said. “And I’m NEVER wrong about these things. Your daughter whispered in my ear and told me that she’s waiting for you. When you have a child someday, remember that I told you this.”

I smiled and held back a tear . . . because wouldn’t that be something.

And the nurse’s name — well, I can’t tell you that — but it just so happens to be one of the names Carter and I had picked out for a potential future daughter.

Filed under: Real Life | Tagged: , , | 7 Comments »

The Risk of Reality

Posted on July 26, 2010 by Tammy

Carter and I saw “Inception” on Friday night, and I thought the movie was incredible. I didn’t completely understand everything — and I’m not sure that you’re supposed to — but I found myself crying anyway because the movie’s message was so powerful.

[Image Source: http://www.comicbookmovie.com]

It’s really easy to to sleep your life away, to find escape in dreams, fantasies, drugs, food, eating disorders, sex, video games, movies . . . How many of us escape to fantasy worlds? How many of us are even aware that we’re trying to escape real life?

Strangely enough, I’m reading “Eat, Pray, Love” right now, too . . . an interesting adjunct to the movie. The author, Elizabeth Gilbert, discusses topics like living in the moment, quieting our minds from reflecting on the past or anticipating the future, allowing ourselves to sit still with our emotions, whether joyful or painful. We’re always shifting ourselves to avoid uncomfortable feelings, she says, rather than allowing ourselves to stay in the moment with the realization that “this too shall pass.”

[Image Source: http://www.bcpls.org]

With the sentiments of “Eat, Pray, Love” fresh in my mind, “Inception” felt so powerful to me. I’ve obviously retreated into my own dream world at times, gotten lost in unhealthy escapes — isn’t that what an eating disorder is? An escape from the real world? An attempt to gain control or lose it completely?

I’ve witnessed family and friends get lost in their own departures from reality, too. It’s an unhappy thing to witness and an unhappy place in which to reside. But temporarily, it provides escape . . . until we need more sex, drugs, food, games, weight loss . . . More, more, more, but it’s never enough. The only way to live is to step out into the world and allow ourselves to feel all of the joy, all of the pain. And have faith that there is a reason for all of it.

When Carter and I got home from the movie, I couldn’t sleep. How much of my life has been a dream — obsessing over the past, trying to plan out my future, numbing the emotions I don’t want to feel with any number of unhealthy tactics? How can I live in the now, allow myself to sit still with all my emotions, both joyful and painful?

Though it was past midnight, I started writing the book I’ve been saying I’m going to write since I was, oh, 5 years old or so. No more time to be afraid of failure, to think about why I didn’t start sooner or what I’m going to do once it’s written. Nope. Time to write. Now.

No more time to put off all the things I’ve been “meaning” to explore.

I want to write a book. Time to write it.

I want to find my religion. Time to start talking to God, going to church, taking classes, reading, asking questions.

I want to stop holding grudges. Time to forgive everyone. Even my worst enemies. I don’t know what they were going through or why they did what they did when they hurt me, and that’s not for me to understand. All I can do is say to the universe, I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt me, and I forgive you. And to anyone I’ve hurt, I’m sorry, too.

I want to create. I find my inner peace through creativity, so that’s what I’ll give to the world. I’ll write. I’ll take pictures. I’ll learn how to write better. I’ll learn how to take better pictures.

I want to explore. I’ll put on my walking shoes and go check out the world. Preferably with Kai by my side.

I want to feel and express my feelings. They’re not always pretty, but ignoring them won’t make them go away.

Sometimes it’s easier to stay under the covers, to live in the past, to dream about the future, to bury our feelings, to swallow our words. It’s scary to get out of bed, to fully experience all the pleasure and pain of this very moment, to feel powerful emotions, to say the words that may not elicit the response we’re hoping for. But that’s why we’re here. To be a part of some master plan that may not necessarily make sense to us. To live. Not to escape.

And though sometimes it’s really, really scary to take the risk of living in the real world, isn’t it remarkable to feel real love and to cry real tears? Isn’t it better to experience true emotions than to wake up numb from a fantasy?

Filed under: Real Life | Tagged: , | 7 Comments »

Food: A Pleasure of Life

Posted on July 21, 2010 by Tammy

I asked Carter the other day: “Is it weird that I love food so much?”

He laughed and said: “No, or course not. Food’s good. It’s one of the pleasures of life.” (One that I denied myself for a long time. Silly, senseless me).

Well said, my hubby, well said. And so, this post is all about food. Cause sometimes, it’s just fun to write about it.

Don’t Hold The Cheese

Some foods should be enjoyed in their authentic forms. Forget the low fat, no sugar, low carb, blah, blah, blah. Some foods should be enjoyed in their full fat, full sugar, full carb bliss, and relished in moderation.

Cheesecake is one of those foods. I have proof.

I asked Chef Clifford Pleau, director of culinary development and executive chef for Seasons 52, if he knew of any healthy cheesecake recipes.

This was his reply:

“I have decided that cheesecake is one of those things that just should not be made healthy. Eat the best you can get but a smaller portion consumed mindfully with the ripest seasonal fruit you can forage. Compliment with one bite of superior super dark chocolate.”

Straight from the mouth of a man who is all about health-ifying recipes! Chef Pleau knows his stuff, so I am no longer on a quest to health-ify cheesecake.

Instead, when I want cheesecake, I enjoy a mini indulgence from Seasons 52 . . .

Or I head to Whole Foods and pick up a 3″ vanilla cheesecake from the bakery. Depending on how hungry I am, I split it in half or eat the whole darn thing. And I eat it “mindfully” as per Chef Pleau’s wisdom!

I would prefer a few scrumptious bites of real cheesecake over a huge plate of fat-free fake stuff any day.

The Local Difference

A few nights ago, I whipped up a ravioli toss from Ellie Krieger’s “So Easy” cookbook . . . one of my favorite cookbooks, by the way. I like easy.

This dish was spectacular — spinach and cheese ravioli tossed with roasted red peppers, tomatoes, arugula, red wine vinegar, extra virgin olive oil, garlic, salt and pepper. I think what made the dish, though, was the locally grown tomatoes that I used.

My brother, Lew, and his wife, Paula, belong to a CSA (community-supported agriculture) program in Wilmington, NC called The Produce Box. Paula gave me some of their tomatoes to bring home to PA, and they are just so much better than store-bought. Belonging to a CSA supports local farmers, enables you (the consumer) to experiment with new fruits and veggies, and provides you with the freshest produce available. Carter and I are thinking about signing up for a membership in our area. Some CSA programs send newsletters that teach you how to use the produce you receive each week, which I think is a really cool perk for a novice cook like myself.

I’d love to hear your thoughts if you have a CSA membership.

Quick and Easy

I’m all about quick and easy meals, so here’s a little lunch recipe I’ve been enjoying lately:

Green Sandwich and Edamame

Spread 2 T of hummus on a slice of bread. Sprinkle with 2 T goat cheese. Top with arugula and a second piece of bread. Serve with a side of steamed edamame pods (I get the frozen, lightly salted kind from Trader Joe’s). Very, very tasty.

Yeah, doesn’t get much easier than that. I likey.

Ice Cream Dream

I was recently invited to guest post for Turkey Hill’s ice cream blog! My assignment was to choose one of the yummiest photos of ice cream I could find and write about what makes it look so tasty. A friend of mine called the photo an “ice cream dream.” I concur.

You can check out my post here: Drippy Cone!

By the way, if your grocery store carries Turkey Hill ice cream, scoop it up and you’re in for a treat. My current favorite is Coconut Almond Fudge, but I also love Bavarian Espresso, Snyder’s Chocolate Pretzel and Chocolate Nutty Moose Tracks (Carter’s absolute favorite). All these flavors are light in fat and calories, but you’d never know to taste them. But not to fear, if you prefer full fat flavors, plenty of those are available as well.

So there you have it . . . my food musings for the day. E ʻai ka-kou! (That’s the Hawaiian equivalent of Bon appétit).

Filed under: Nutrition and Healthy Eating, Product Reviews, Recipes | Tagged: , | 7 Comments »

A Southern State Of Mind

Posted on July 19, 2010 by Tammy

When you spend the day cleaning up refrigerator leaks and running errands, which is precisely what I did today, you know vacation is officially over. But I braved my chores with a smile on my face and a very content mood. I can still smell the ocean. I can still feel the warm water caressing my skin.

Carter and I spent the last two days in Wilmington swimming in the ocean, boogie boarding, and kayaking. We kayaked over to Masonboro Island, where we had the beach to ourselves. We swam and played and I felt free and joyful.

I’m just so thankful for the fun-loving relationship I share with my husband, for my pets, for the opportunity to travel, for recovery, for life.

Our kayaking partners: my brother Lew and his beautiful new wife, Paula.

Our fuel-up-station prior to kayaking: Causeway Cafe. Best breakfast joint in Wilmington. Look at this beautiful blueberry waffle.

Wilmington boasts so many wonderful dining spots.

Mellow Mushroom and the best pizza crust in town.

Tower 7 — Healthy Mexican food near the beach.

The Fuzzy Peach — the first and only do-it-yourself frozen yogurt shop in Wilmington. It just opened last week.

And one of my favorite restaurants in Wilmington: Oceanic. This is the only restaurant in Wilmington that is right on the beach. Carter and I dined on the dock and took in the beach vista. I, of course, ordered a grilled fish (grouper) sandwich. When I’m at the beach, I crave fishy 24/7.

Oceanic is known for their hush puppies, which I believe are a southern food — I’ve never seen them up north. Basically fried bread. And damn good.

When I was scouting out UNCW as a potential college back in high school, Oceanic was the first place I went with my Dad. I can’t believe that was over a decade ago.

All these years later, I’m still in love with the beach town. It truly is my happy place. Though I was born and raised in the north, I feel most peaceful when I’m living the slow-paced southern lifestyle.

I brought that slow pace back home with me and I’m going to hold onto it in my heart until the day when Carter and I move to the Carolinas or Florida. Oh, it’s happening.

But until then, I’m content with the memories . . .

Filed under: Travel | Tagged: , | 4 Comments »

Adventures in Wilmy Land

Posted on July 15, 2010 by Tammy

Carter and I visited our good ol’ UNCW campus today, and we got to reminiscing about our college years. We miss it here . . . a lot. There is something about this town that slows you down and mellows you out.

As I walked through the Student Union with my curly beach hair and makeup-less face, I said to him, “I wouldn’t have been caught dead in the Union without makeup on back in college.” In fact, there were a lot of things I didn’t do back in college. Why does all that tuition have to go to waste on an adolescent who has no idea what she wants in life? Nowadays, aw man, nowadays I’d do it right.

I’d take any class that interested me, even if it meant I was in school for 6 years. I wouldn’t be so eager to figure out my major and my career. I’d just roll with the punches. I’d do internships, I’d travel, I’d worry less about my grades and more about what excited me, I’d meet more people and learn as much as I could about them . . . the list could go on and on.

I’m glad I had the college experience that I had, but I wish I could have another one as an adult.

This town is the best place to be a college student. This town is the best place to just be.

When I’m here, I can pretty much follow the same basic daily routine and be content:

Walk. Play. Read. Swim. At. the. beach.

Take Kai on adventures.

Walk the Loop.

Shop downtown. Buy unique things, like cinnamon sweet pecans and handmade jewelry.

Walk downtown.

Walk everywhere.

Eat breakfast at Causeway.

Eat ice cream at Kilwin’s.

Eat anywhere there’s a view of the water.

Try new things. This town’s small enough that it’s easy to find new things — new adventures, new places, new foods — and try them. I tried softshell crab.

I won’t be trying it again . . . it made me feel too carnivorous. Not a good feeling for a pesce-vegetarian. I don’t enjoy tearing off limbs with my teeth.

The sun sets on another Wilmington day. Even though it rained most of today and yesterday, all I feel is sunshine.

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